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With the rising popularity of mixed martial arts, mostly thanks to organizations like UFC and PrideFC, fans of the sport seem to think that anyone who knows any form of martial art is all about kicking ass. Little do they realize that most martial arts are primarily based on defensive skills and not intended to do any more harm to an attacker than is absolutely necessary. While being great for training the body, in reality 90% of what martial arts teaches you will be completely ineffectual in a real-world fight. That’s cool with me because I’m only into inflicting long-lasting psychological injuries. Most fights inevitably go to the ground which is where you naturally go for the throat and testes.

I’m currently working on developing my own martial art. Thus far it consists primarily of biting, pinching, eye-gouging, groin shots, eye pokes and fish-hooking. Now that I think of it I’ll have to add neck punching, can’t forget neck punching. I look forward to being able to summon fiery dragons with my chi.

I got into a fight with a really fat kid when I was younger. He got me on the ground and laid his substantial girth across my face. After about 15 seconds I bit his stomach, stood up and kicked him in the back. I should have put that tubby bastard into the sharpshooter. That would be a kick ass way to end a fight.

My brother put me in the sharpshooter once. He was a prick