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It looks like the ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ emails and news group posts have found their way out of the underside of the intarweb and into the spotlight of late. Local radio stations and even mainstream media outlets have been reporting on them on slow news days for lack of the usual death and destruction to in undate the unwitting American populace with. Some tool has also gone to the trouble to collect other people’s work from the past few years and put it all up on a single webpage consisting of all of the Chuck Norris Facts currently out there. I’m not going to condone this idiot’s pathetic attempt to gain fame from whoring old internet humor by actually linking to it, but anyone with a shred of Google-fu skills will find it. A quick rundown of some of the greats:

• Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Don’t get me wrong, of course they’re funny. Damn funny. Though now, just like then, people still don’t get the humor behind these kinds of internet jokes. The average person being lobotomized from years of watching Friends and drinking Zima won’t think anything is funny unless the punchline sits on their face and wiggles. Let’s conduct a quick humor test. I’ll make up a similar joke to guage your reaction.

• Chuck Norris used to smoke, but it was just to make a point. Eventually Hitler ran out of skin to put his cigars out on.

Now, if you thought that was funny, congratulations, your sense of humor is intact. If you’re still hung up somewhere before Chuck, allow me to ellaborate. This statement seamlessly combines the three essential elements of humor:

1. The unexpected in that you wouldn’t think of Chuck Norris smoking because he’s a bigger role model than Jesus and Gandhi combined in a Seth Brundel teleportation chamber accident.
2. The ol’ switcheroo leading too…
3. Hitler torture. Because he’s a total douchebag.

Fun AND fair. Class dismissed.